Question & Answers Part 1

"Dear Drew,

My girlfriend of one year recently cheated on me. My heart was broken, but she came and said she was sorry, and we were starting to move on with our relationship. But, I still wasn’t secure that the things that happened between us were really over, or what. She reassured me that everything was fine, but I still wasn’t convinced. Well, I got her to be totally honest, and she told me that she still speaks to the other guy. Her reason for keeping in touch with him is because sometimes she wants someone to talk to. I love her very much, and I don’t want our relationship to end, but I don’t think I can tolerate her talking to this guy. I have been reading every post on your blog, and I signed up for the eCourse, and it has helped in so many ways...I just do not know how to handle this. Please give me some advice on what I should do.

Thanks in advance,

Stuck in love "

Dear Stuck,

First I’d like to thank you for writing in to me, and apologize for the hurt you’re going through.

People tend to do what is rewarding on one level or another. So, your girlfriend must be getting something out of talking to him; it must be rewarding on an emotional level. Usually, that emotional pleasure is at an unconscious level.

So, if your girlfriend is still talking to this guy, then she must like this contact with him, and can’t really explain why…to you or herself. So here are the facts: She cheated on you, you found out, she maintains contact with this guy, and she lies to you about it. So the real problem may not be you not knowing how to handle it, it may be that your girlfriend has feelings for you and someone else. How can you get a person to change their feelings toward someone?

Sometimes, in relational problems, you can’t talk it out. Sometimes, the answers aren’t the ones we want to hear – don’t try and invest too much energy in a problem you can’t fix. You can tell your girlfriend she has a choice to make, and you can influence that choice, but it is still up to her to decide what she wants.

Best of Luck,
Drew Bryant
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