Check Your Prescription... It's Time For Some New Reality Glasses.

I bet you have the ability of discerning perception and reality. You have the objectivity that others seem to lack…right?

Well the truth is that we never see the world for what it really is. We are selective with what we notice, what we pay attention to, and experience. Most of the world moves past us with little knowledge or thought.

This is true when it comes to the minute details that compose life, up to the things that people tend to take for granted after they’re gone. But the question is, do people ignore their surroundings purposely, or is the wool just pulled over their eyes?

Well the answer depends largely on the person. Of course, there are a select few of people that may be oblivious to their environment moreso than others, but the majority of people have tunnel vision by choice. For example, have you ever been out on the town, and had someone recognize you from high school, yet you haven’t the slightest idea as to who they are? They said they had a class with you, and described who they hung out with, and it sounds as if they wouldn’t have been the type of person you’d be caught dead with. That would be a definite example of avoidance by choice.

I have mentioned in a previous article that the truth is commonly painful and uncomfortable; that is why people go out of their way to avoid those moments of misery. I mean, who wants to find out that the person that they have just spent the last X years or months with has been gravely dishonest? No one wants to experience the pain of deceit, so they ignore, avoid, and hope that they have nothing to worry about, or that the issue will disappear with time.

Knowing that you have been evading certain things in your life is hard enough to acknowledge, but now is the time to stop kidding your self, and to take a distinct step toward clarity. Don’t let nature run its course and hope for the best – take hold of what’s going on around you, and take action. You deserve the truth…start digging.

-Drew Bryant

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Editor's Note:
Edward Talurdey's "How To Catch Your Cheating Lover" takes you by the hand and shows you exactly what you need to do to find out the truth. The book isn't for those afraid to find the truth. If you are sick and tired of the uncertainty I suggest you check out the book here.
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Truth Is, You Lie So Much... I Bet You Even Lie To Yourself.

The truth of life, and the relationships we are in often times are too big of a pill to swallow. The truth hurts and only complicates situations – so it should come as no surprise that people trick themselves into believing something that isn’t true. Many people do not want to dig for the truth, or just accept things at face value because that truth can lead to heartache; ignorance is indeed bliss. Thus, people rarely see the world as it really is.

It is uncomfortable to acknowledge that people lie to themselves on a consistent basis; be that as it may, we are not honest with ourselves on the most basic of levels: who we are, what we believe, what is going on around us, what we can control, ect. In fact, many people lie to themselves to feel as if they have some form of control; feeling helpless at the hands of our peers is not a settling feeling. So people go through life with little awareness of what’s really happening, and mostly everything else gets filtered out – that’s our defense mechanism to make life more bearable.

It’s called Selective Attention – you only pay attention to the things you want to pay attention to. For example, did you notice what type of cloud was out in the sky today? Were they Cumulo-Nimbus? Were they Cirrus? That more than likely went unnoticed by most, unless of course, you happen to be a meteorologist. It’s not that the clouds weren’t there; it’s just that you didn’t notice. Think about it: as soon as you buy a new pair of shoes, you see one million different people wearing your new shoes.

You can apply this to intimacy issues as well. If you are the type of person who is pessimistic, and assumes that your partner will do the worse, what do you see? On the converse, if you feel your spouse is a saint, and can’t do any wrong, what do you think you’ll see?

Are you meticulous and detail oriented? How many times do you catch your partner being messy and careless? Are you single? How often do you see people in happy fulfilled relationships?

The list is limitless. The point is to realize that things are usually not what you think they are – we see things from a very narrow perspective, and ignore most events happening around us.

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Let's Get It Together. Try Not To Lie To Yourself Today! God Knows I Wont.

Leave a comment or I might cry. =D

Your pal,

-Drew Bryant

GET YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED?

Hey guys,

I just wanted to let you know that if you have any questions feel free to email them to me. I'll get to them A.S.A.P. Some questions & answers may be posted on the blog to help others so if you'd like your identity to remain private then just let me know inside the email. To keep from spam I wont put my email in this post, but you will find the 'Contact Me' email link on the sidebar and very bottom of the page.


-Drew Bryant

You Deceitful Son Of A...

What is deception, and what does it mean to deceive someone? Deception is defined as the act of leading someone to believe something, or acting in a way that would lead someone to believe something when you don’t believe it yourself.

So if you tell a half truth are you being deceptive? What about with intentionally withholding information? What if you create a situation where someone would believe one thing, when the truth is actually contrary? Where is the line between innocence and guilt? Well there is one question you can ask yourself to see if you are being deceptive or not.

If you have nothing to conceal, why NOT tell the whole truth?

One of the leading reasons that people lie is because they have something they do not want to share with someone else for one reason or another. That is when they act differently to keep that secret. It is evident that deception is not something you can pin down into a nice neat box. But there is a good reason for us to view it in this light. People tend to look at lying in very narrow and technical terms – such as someone forthrightly telling you a fallacy. When it is accepted as such, it gives people the opportunity to take advantage of what most don’t consider deception. In fact, deception usually lies in what is left unsaid.

But, on the converse, when we find that our lover has been acting in a way that will arouse our suspicions, our definition of what is deceptive suddenly becomes more inclusive. It is a matter of hypocrisy; when I leave out important bits of information, I’m not misleading you, but when you do it, you are deceiving me.

This is why a broad definition of deception is more constructive than a narrow stance on the matter. A broad definition of deception simply promotes more honesty.

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I didn't leave anything out... So leave me a comment.

-Drew Bryant

Want The Truth? Well This Is What NOT To Ask...

As we have discussed before, being able to tell when your partner is lying to you is much more difficult than you may think. Specifically, we have touched on the biases we have when trying to uncover the truth – now, we’re going to look at the type of questions we ask when looking for the truth, and how they are ineffective.

To be to the point, when trying to find out the truth, people generally ask probing questions. That would entail, “What?” “How did that happen?” “When did you do that?” “Are you positive?” And so on. Although probing questions are intended to get at the truth, forming your questions that way actually has the reverse effect and makes it harder for you to tell if you’re being deceived or not. Every study brings the same results: asking probing questions hinders your judgment.

So why, and how does this happen? (If you’ve been paying attention, you’ll know that those are probing questions) There are two rationalizations.

Primarily, asking probing questions helps the potential liar – it gives them the heads up that “Hey! I don’t think you’re telling the truth!” From there, they can change their behavior to seem more sincere, or honest.

In addition, it hurts those who are trying to discover the truth because it impacts your ability to make a decision. When you ask your partner “What happened?” And they respond with “I told you I went to Larry’s house. I wouldn’t lie to you” The person probing takes that and says to themselves, ‘well, he must be telling the truth because he wouldn’t lie to me, and if he were lying I’d be able to tell.’ It’s a combination of people putting too much faith in their ability to detect deception, and putting to much faith in their partner.

People assume that they are able to tell when their mate is lying to them because after they ask the question designed at getting to the truth, they don’t see any indication that their partner is lying, and assume that they are not. That occurrence is called, the "probing heuristic." Overall, every study shows that asking those types of questions of a partner is unsuccessful at getting at the truth.

Wouldn’t it be great if we didn’t have to try and “get at the truth”? One can only dream.

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Tell Me What You Think...

Why Not Leave A Comment For Me.

-Drew Bryant

12 Ways To Build Trust In Your Relationship

Hey guys and gals I found a very informative article by Cucan Pemo that you might be interested in. I figure with all the talk about deception & betrayal it would be time to share some tips on how to build trust. Hope this helps.

-Drew Bryant
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12 Ways To Build Trust In Your Relationship
By: Cucan Pemo

Trust is one of the building blocks of a healthy and stable
relationship. Without it, a relationship crumbles under the
weight of suspicion and disrespect. When you've had something
happen in your relationship or the one prior to your current
one, you already know how important it is that you built trust
for your security. Here are some ways to add trust to your
relationship.

Make sure that what you say is what you're saying

It takes a lot to hold back some of your opinions sometimes. But
when you hold back something important, your partner will see it
in your body language. It's better to tell them what is
upsetting you than for them to have to guess what you are trying
to tell them - and potentially guessing wrong.

Become more predictable

It's the sudden changes that can cause even the most calm and
centered person to begin to question their partner. If you're
doing something that might be perceived as 'out of your
character,' realize that you might be causing suspicion. Try to
keep your habits and actions fairly predictable so that your
partner can assume that everything is okay when your patterns
remain the same.

Be open about changes that you are making

But it's not fair to assume that you will be staying the same
all of the time, so it's best to let your partner know when you
are making changes that might seem radical. Starting a new
exercise program or changing your overall look might be
something that you will want to warn them about - lest they
think that you're primping and preparing your appearance for
someone else.

Believe in your partner

A little faith in your partner will go a long way. When you want
to build trust in a relationship, you will want to trust your
partner as well to make decisions that benefit your relationship
as well as your well-being. It isn't about thinking that your
partner can do anything that they put their mind to, but it's
about having the courage to say that you support your partner no
matter what they want in their life.

Communicate your needs

What you need will go a long way to showing your partner how
much you trust them. By allowing them to see what makes you
happy, you are becoming vulnerable to them and to their
reactions. They might not like what you've decided, though they
probably will appreciate the fact that you are telling them what
you need from them. Trusting them to listen and to respect these
needs will help the favor to be returned.

Be an open book

Keeping secrets is probably one of the worst things you can do
for a relationship. You need to be as open as possible in your
marriage in order to show that you have nothing to hide. When
you're open, your partner will also feel that they should be
open enough to you as well. Small secrets are one thing - gifts,
surprises - but when you start to keep some secrets, they might
think that you're hiding other things as well.

Be yourself

You married the person that you are with because of who they
are. When they start to act differently, that might make you
question what is going on with them. When you want to rebuild
the trust in your relationship, try to remember that you don't
want to change or impress them, but you want to show them who
you really are so that they can trust that person.

Have your own opinions

It's interesting that many people believe that agreeing with
everyone will make them seem more trustworthy. But like 'yes
men' in business, those that always agree seem to be lying some
of the time. There's no need to disagree with others, but you
should also have your own opinions once in a while.

Establish clear boundaries

Set up boundaries that might allow you to feel more trustful. If
your spouse or partner is away, you might establish rules for
talking to other women or let them know things that might make
you uncomfortable. Share what you need to feel secure in your
relationship and ask them to do the same.

Don't be afraid of success

Realize that you can have an open and honest relationship - it's
not impossible. Too many people dismiss the idea entirely and
always look for things to be wrong - however, this leads to
distrust as well.

Communicate often

Take the time to talk with each other frequently so that you
both know where the other one is at. This will allow you to feel
as though there is nothing that you're not communicating to the
other.

Take responsibility

If you keep a secret or lie, take responsibility for your
blunder. People make mistakes, but owning up to them makes you
better for it.

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Infidelity 101: Two Things You Have To Understand!

*** INFIDELITY 101 ***


Let's start out by talking about the laws of nature.

When it rains you get wet. Big animals eat small animals.
If you don't drink water you will die. People cheat on each
other.

Did you catch the last one?

Human beings are not monogamous by nature. We don't mate
exclusively for life with the first partner we choose.

We have many mates throughout our lifetime.

And we don't just have sex to reproduce.

Some animals do. Human beings do not.

But when it comes to infidelity, people think that the laws
of nature do not apply to them.

They think that no one would ever cheat on them because
they're too good in bed, too good looking, too wealthy, too
good at this, too good at that and so on and so on.

"He would never do that to me, he loves me"

"She would never do that, she has it too good"

The #1 biggest, most notorious reason why affairs go
undetected is because people refuse to believe that it can
happen to them.

Well let me tell you right now that the laws of nature apply
to everyone -- including you.

I don't care who you are - a celebrity - a bum - a mother -
a father - a nobody.

Anyone, and I mean anyone, can cheat on you.

If you don't accept this fact, you will miss every little
thing your lover does that screams "I'm cheating on you".

Let me tell you a little story...

An old friend came to my door one day to cry on my shoulder
about the troubles he was having with his wife.

She was doing all of this strange things, he saw her hugging
another man in a parking lot, she wouldn't sleep in the same
bed with him and so on.

I mean any 6 year old could have seen she was cheating on
him.

It was that obvious.

But he refused to believe it.

Why?

Well here were his answers, in order:

1. He pays for everything and he doesn't cheat on her, so
why would she cheat?

2. He asked her if she was cheating and she said no.

3. He's smarter than her.

This is the perfect example of someone who doesn't think the
laws of nature apply to them.

He couldn't believe that someone would cheat on him. He
couldn't "get over himself".

And the fact of the matter is that almost everyone thinks
this way at one time or another.

If you don't believe that it can happen to you, if you think
that you are that one special person in the universe where
the laws of nature don't apply to you, you're going to have
a miserable time of it.

Want to know what ended up happening to my old friend?

He's currently going through a bitter divorce that he
doesn't want. She left him and was the one that filed. And
gee, she also has a boyfriend that works at the same place
she does!

And he still can't believe what's happening to him!

Does this sound similar to anyone you know?

Now let's recap the most important points for you to know:

1. You must accept the cold hard facts that anyone can and
will cheat on you. It's human nature. If you don't "get
over yourself" and accept this, you're in for a lot of
misery.

2. Don't ever expect your lover to admit to you that they
are having an affair. If you're waiting for this to happen,
it will be the longest wait of your life.

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As always, if you have any comments, questions, and/or concerns then feel free to leave a comment.


-Drew Bryant

Sorry If I'm Blunt...

Dear Friend,

Sorry if I'm blunt but if you've been cheated on, then I've been in your shoes. With that said, I want to note that I will be honest and blunt with my approach. I'll even go as far to say that you might not even like some of the things that I say. My goal is to help you and sometimes helping isn't making you feel better, but to help you realize the truth. You'll Thank me in the long run.

I think it's safe to say that if you read the blog then you're looking for signs of cheating that can help you discover if your partner is being unfaithful. You might have been looking for a long list of tell-tale signs, and if that's the case then you are in the wrong place! In my humble opinion list aren't bad but they don't really assist with catching a cheat, they only assist with making you over-analyze your partner into paranoia.

Let's be foreal, you're probably already paranoid and most list you see aren't even descriptive. That means they leave a paranoid mind to wander. Now what happens when you have this big long list to support your paranoia and you end up confronting your partner without enough proof? I'll tell you...

They either are innocent, or they play on your emotions. They sense that you don't have enough proof so they deny it til the end of the world. You love them so they'll convince you that nothing is happening and you'll realize that you really don't have enough proof. Nothing will change and you end up back at square one.

I guess that'll end my rant =)


Thanks,
Drew Bryant

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Once again don't be scared to comment, I look forward to your replies.

-Drew Bryant

Two Mistakes People Make After They Discover A Cheating Spouse...

=======================
Quick Note:
Hey hey I know it's been a few days, I thought I might make a quick add for you guys. I'll have some more for you tommorrow. Or later today :-)...
Cya then,

-Drew Bryant
=========================

The first mistake people make when facing a cheating wife or spouse is they try to tolerate more, they wimp up and get caught in a pity fest. Yes it sounds mean, but hey I was one of them. You wait and wait and hope that with time the situation will change, and you know what! It never does. You conform and meet the needs of your wife/spouse in an attempt to win this person back, and then you call it "working on the marriage." Trust me it doesnt work, in the long run they will take advantage of you, meanwhile you are losing your integrity. In the end you will feel like you are in competition with the other person and it will cause you to feel insecure about things that probably aren't an issue.

On the other end people make the mistake of going on the attack they threaten, plead, beg, bring others in to the equation (i.e. children, friends). They end up making desperate promises, and that doesn't work either. Going off on your wife or spouse doesn't help and it definately isn't cute. At all cost try to stay away from this approach.

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As always, if you have any comments, questions, and/or concerns then feel free to leave a comment.


-Drew Bryant

Can You Tell When Your Partner Is Lying?

Probably Not...

Most people want to know the truth. So, it must come as no surprise that the subject of liars and how to spot them has been examined for decades. There have been some surprising discoveries, and one of the main points that has been studied was “non verbal cues” What we’re going to take a closer look at is how to figure out if your spouse is cheating on you by taking note of their non verbal red flags.

most of the research on the topic is driven by the belief that lying is difficult to conceal because lying takes more mental effort than telling the truth, emotions give people a way when they lie, and lastly, lying causes more anxiety, and stress than telling the truth. Essentially, the consensus is that people “leak out” signs of deception through nonverbal actions or our body language, which is very hard to control.

So, what does research tell us?

When lying, people are more likely to offer shorter responses, fidget, make speech errors (more uhm’s, err’s, and ah’s), and blink more. Research also proves that when lying people DO NOT break eye contact. Liars and truth tellers are both likely to “look you in the eye”

Unfortunately, researchers say that using nonverbal behavior as a detector for deceit is not very useful. The reason why that is said because love is blind. When people are in love, they place a lot of trust in their romantic partners and think they know them well. While this trust provides people with a sense of security and comfort, it creates an opportunity for deception. Every study conducted shows that lovers have a very difficult time actually telling when their partners are lying. Even though detecting deception is tricky even with complete strangers, loved ones some how take this “skill” to a new low.

This finding is called the "truth-bias" and it is one of the most documented findings when it comes to deception, love and romance. As people become more personal and emotionally involved they also become less accurate at detecting their partner's deception. People are too willing to give their romantic partners the benefit of the doubt on too many occasions. The "truth-bias" helps explain why deception is almost always discovered by accident. More often than not, people have a difficult time imagining that their partner could be lying.

Perhaps the easiest way to see the "truth-bias" is not in your own relationship, but a friend's relationship. Have you ever had a friend who was in love with someone, but your friend could not see how his or her lover might be dishonest? Of course, it was much easier for you to see the truth, rather than your friend.

The bottom line is we tend to trust the people who are likely to deceive us, and the people that do deceive us we love and trust the most. When faced with suspicions, and doubt, keep all these findings in mind, and try to look at things from an unbiased point of view.

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As always, if you have any comments, questions, and/or concerns then feel free to leave a comment.


-Drew Bryant

Spying On Your Spouse... Is It Ethical?

I've been asked numerous times about spying on your partner and if it's the right thing to do. It all boils down to what is most important to you... Morals or the Truth. In my last blog post about my personal story (You can read the story here.) I told you how I used PC monitoring software to catch my ex wife's unfaithful behavior. So obviously I'm a bit more concerned with the truth. Keeping in mind that you may be different I've written this small article for you to hopefully make your decision easier to make.

-Drew Bryant
=======================

You see advertisements all the time for software that can record your spouse’s online conversations like "PC Pandora" . Or you hear about private investigators that can follow your partner for an extended period of time to catch them in the act. There are even TV shows that are dedicated to spying on your husband or wife. But exactly how ethical is it to monitor your partner? As a generalization, ethics are how you expect others to treat you and vice versa – compromising the expectations of privacy, trust, and honesty in a relationship is rarely the ethical thing to do.

Honesty is indeed the best policy, but questioning a mate that is acting suspiciously tends to not bring about the same results as snooping. Spying, if done correctly, is without doubt the most effective way to discover the unadulterated truth. This is where the problem presents itself; what is effective is unscrupulous, and what is ethical is fruitless. The question is how to best resolve this dilemma.

If you do opt to spy, and you actually discover that your other half is being unfaithful, your means of finding that information is not necessarily justified. But, that discovery does expose the truth and brings hidden problems to the light. It is nearly impossible to fix problems until they are acknowledged. Acknowledging problems is also the first step toward acceptance, healing, and in essence a resolution.

However, if you decide to spy and find nothing, you may find reassurance, but you have violated your partner’s trust which should not be taken for granted. You now have become the person with something to hide, and will have to be held accountable for your actions if the situation is ever brought to light.

In the end, there are no easy solutions. Most people want the truth, but the reality of the situation is that either knowing the truth, or your morals may have to be sacrificed.

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How Do You Feel About Spying On Your Partner? I'd like to know.
Why not leave a comment below?